13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do

13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do is a best-selling book that gives insightful advice on how to develop mental strength in order to manifest success in life. Author and psychologist, Amy Morin, draws on the experiences of others and her own knowledge to share actionable insights on how eliminating bad habits can lead to greater happiness and fulfilment.

Amy Morin, a highly accomplished psychotherapist and licensed clinical social worker, is a sought-after writer for Forbes, where she sheds light on the intersection of business and psychology. She also brings her expertise to the masses as the host of The Verywell Mind Podcast.

What’s the benefit for you? Break free from limiting factors and attain the life you aspire to live.

Amy Morin, a seasoned psychotherapist, found herself in dire straits in 2013, grappling with loss and hardship. Following the passing of her mother and husband and the diagnosis of her father-in-law with cancer, she reached her lowest point.

In an effort to heal and find resilience, Amy wrote a letter to herself, outlining the 13 habits that mentally strong individuals avoid. She shared her reflections on her blog, which quickly gained widespread recognition and reached a staggering 50 million readers. A year later, she transformed her insights into a best-selling book, translated into 40 languages.

In the following 13 lessons, you will discover real-life examples of individuals who overcame their negative habits and learned to adopt new, healthier ones. You will arm yourself with practical tools to tackle life’s challenges head-on.

Additionally, you will learn:

How to make calculated risks
The benefits of collaboration over competition
Why earning is more valuable than merely deserving.

Let’s begin!

Idea 1 – Mentally strong individuals replace the negative habit of self-pity with an attitude of gratitude.

Amy Morin once observed a small car collision in a supermarket parking lot. The two drivers who were involved in the accident reacted in starkly contrasting ways. The first driver seemed grateful that no one was seriously injured, while the second driver was quick to moan about his misfortune. This second driver is a prime example of the first habit that mentally strong individuals do not engage in: self-pity.

People who indulge in self-pity often believe that their problems are worse than others and they complain that life is unjust. They have a tendency to focus on the negatives, leading to a vicious cycle of misery and neglecting the positive aspects of their lives.

Self-pity is detrimental, but there is a way to overcome it. Gratitude is the most effective remedy. When you find yourself dwelling on negative thoughts, take a moment to sit down and list the good things in your life. Keeping a gratitude journal, where you write at least one thing you are grateful for each day, can also be a useful tool. Additionally, speaking about your gratitude to others can help reinforce positive thinking.

By shifting your focus to gratitude, you’ll start to see the positive aspects of life and develop a mentally strong outlook, much like the first driver in the parking lot incident.

Idea 2 – Mentally strong individuals retain their control and forgive those around them.

Meet Lauren, a devoted mother of two who seemed to have a nearly perfect family life except for one thing: her mother-in-law. She found her to be intrusive and overbearing, constantly criticising her parenting skills and making derogatory comments about her weight. Despite putting on a facade of politeness, Lauren was internally seething. This not only took up precious family time, but also consumed several hours of her week with complaining. It was obvious that something needed to change.

This brings us to the second trait that mentally strong people avoid: they do not allow others to have control over them. This was the root of Lauren’s problem: by being afraid to stand up for herself, she allowed her mother-in-law to dictate her feelings and actions. If you easily succumb to others’ criticism, if you let others make you angry, or if you feel guilty into doing things you don’t want to do, it’s a sign that you are surrendering control to others.

So, how do you regain control over your life? Like Lauren, once she realised the amount of time and energy she was spending on her mother-in-law, she sat down with her husband and set healthy and clear boundaries. They respectfully spoke with her mother-in-law and informed her that they would be inviting her over for dinner instead of her just dropping by unannounced. They also requested that she cease criticising Lauren’s parenting style. At first, it was a challenge for her mother-in-law to adjust, but she eventually succeeded. This allowed Lauren to reclaim control over her home and life.

Idea 3 – Mentally strong individuals embrace change with open arms.

Richard was at his wits’ end. After being diagnosed with diabetes and told he was 75 pounds overweight, he knew he had to make a change. However, his good intentions quickly turned into struggles. Despite giving up junk food and signing up for the gym, he found himself snacking instead of exercising and not losing a single pound.

Making a change can be difficult, but without mental strength, it can feel nearly impossible. Those who lack the ability to adapt can feel stuck while others are thriving.

So, what sets mentally strong individuals apart when it comes to change? Firstly, they avoid the trap of taking on too much change at once. This was Richard’s downfall as his methods were too drastic and unrealistic.

Instead, mentally strong people break their goals into smaller, more achievable milestones. Instead of aiming to lose 75 pounds all at once, Richard set his sights on losing 5 pounds first.

Additionally, they create a plan of action with concrete steps to follow. Richard started a food journal to track his eating, prepared his meals, and set a schedule for gym visits and walks with his family.

By breaking down change into manageable pieces and having a plan in place, mentally strong individuals make change less intimidating and are able to embrace it with confidence.

Idea 4 – Mentally strong individuals do not let external factors affect them.

James had a rare opportunity to spend time with his daughter on a whale watching trip, but when he learned that his ex-wife had taken their daughter on a similar trip the week prior, he became upset and sent angry messages. This ruined their valuable time together.

The problem with James’ reaction is that he allowed something outside of his control to impact his emotions and behaviour. Most people desire control, but mentally strong individuals have a realistic understanding of what they can and cannot control.

The key to avoiding distraction from external factors is to acknowledge the limitations of your control. Accept that some things, such as the behaviour of others, illnesses, and natural events, cannot be changed. Focus on what you can control and make the most of your circumstances.

For James, he eventually realised that he could not control his ex-wife’s actions or decisions. Instead of wasting energy on things outside of his control, he chose to focus on making the most of the time he has with his daughter and cherishing their moments together.

Idea 5 – Constantly striving to appease others is ineffective and being willing to disappoint others can actually make you stronger.

Meet Megan, who’s facing a common issue of feeling overwhelmed with stress. Her source of stress was her inability to say no to others. As a people pleaser, Megan found it hard to decline requests from others, even if it meant sacrificing her own desires and needs. This resulted in her constantly being at the beck and call of others, be it her church members, sister or cousin, leaving her feeling drained and irritable.

However, always trying to please others is not sustainable and can lead to negative consequences. It can lead to being taken advantage of, and it can also harm your relationships, as was the case with Megan and her family.

So, how can you overcome being a people pleaser? The first step is to acknowledge that it’s not your responsibility to make everyone happy all the time. People are capable of handling negative emotions and it’s okay if they’re not always happy with you.

The second step is to take some time before responding to requests. If someone asks for a favour, give yourself a moment to think about it before saying yes or no. For example, you can respond by saying, “Thanks for asking. Let me check my calendar and I’ll get back to you shortly.” This gives you time to make a decision that’s best for you and allows you to say no with confidence.

Megan found these tips helpful and was able to make a change in her life. She learned to set boundaries and prioritise her own needs without feeling guilty about it. She realised that saying no can actually make you stronger and lead to a healthier balance in life.

Idea 6 – Mentally strong individuals are not intimidated by taking calculated risks.

This was the case for Dale, who had a long-standing dream of opening up his own furniture store. However, the idea was met with skepticism from his wife and he himself had second thoughts about giving up his secure job as a high school teacher. Despite the initial uncertainty, Dale found himself growing increasingly frustrated and depressed as he attempted to suppress his aspirations.

So, what sets mentally strong people apart when it comes to taking risks? They approach risk-taking in two steps. Firstly, they thoroughly assess the potential dangers and benefits involved in a decision. They consider the worst-case scenario and the best-case scenario. Secondly, they find a way to appropriately adjust the risks involved.

Instead of making a black or white decision, mentally strong individuals like Dale find a middle ground. In his case, he realised that he could have both the security of his job and the excitement of running his own business by starting his furniture store part-time and selling his creations online. He adjusted the risk involved to a manageable level, which ultimately improved his mood and allowed him to take a calculated risk, just like mentally strong people do.

Idea 7 – To achieve mental strength, it requires taking action to come to terms with the past.

Gloria struggled with her relationship with her daughter, who was caught in a pattern of self-destructive behaviour. Despite wanting to help, Gloria felt guilty for not being there for her daughter in the past and enabled her harmful actions. But, she was trapped in the past and couldn’t move forward.Gloria’s story illustrates the importance of letting go of the past to build mental strength. Constantly replaying past events, longing for what could have been, or relying on others to solve problems, all hold us back from reaching our full potential. While some reflection is healthy, too much can be damaging.

To overcome this, it’s crucial to first accept and come to terms with the past. Recognise that the past cannot be changed and forgive those who have hurt you. Then, shift your focus to the future and intentionally direct your thoughts to new things. Set new goals and engage in activities that bring joy and fulfilment. The more you practice this, the harder it will be for your mind to wander back to the past.

It’s also essential to understand that mental strength encompasses three levels – thoughts, behaviours, and emotions. Improving one aspect has a ripple effect on the others, and bad habits can spread from one level to another. To develop mental strength, it’s crucial to be aware of and work on these three levels simultaneously.

Idea 8 – Mentally strong individuals understand the importance of avoiding the same mistakes and practice self-discipline to do so.

One example of this is the story of Rowland Macy, a businessman in mid-nineteenth-century Massachusetts who had a dry goods store that struggled due to its poor location. He organised a parade to bring attention to the store, but it was a hot day and nobody came. He was so deep in debt that he had to close the store.However, Macy learned from this experience and chose a better location when he opened his next store in New York, which became a huge success and eventually became the famous chain store, Macy’s. He realised that studying and learning from mistakes is key to avoiding repeating them in the future.

To follow in Macy’s footsteps and become mentally strong, you can reflect on past mistakes and ask yourself what you could have done differently. Additionally, to put an end to bad habits, you must practice self-discipline. Here are some ways to do this:

Keep your goal in mind, visualise how fulfilling it will be once you reach it. This will motivate you to keep working towards it, even on days when you’re not feeling up to it.
Write down the mistakes you’ve made in the past and don’t want to repeat. Keep this list with you at all times and refer to it whenever you feel yourself slipping into old patterns.
Make it more difficult to repeat past mistakes. For example, if you have a tendency to overspend when you’re out with friends, take only a small amount of cash and leave your credit card at home to reduce the chances of making the same mistake.

Idea 9 – Mentally strong individuals don’t experience envy towards others’ success, instead, they seek to collaborate with them.

If you have ever felt resentful while browsing through your acquaintances’ seemingly perfect lives on social media, this topic is for you. A study published in 2013, “Envy on Facebook: A Hidden Threat to Users’ Life Satisfaction,” found that seeing other people’s successes and happiness can negatively impact an individual’s mood and satisfaction in life. Being exposed to vacation photos, in particular, can elicit feelings of anger and resentment.

However, mentally strong individuals do not experience these negative emotions. If you feel like others are more successful than you, it’s natural to feel envious of their good fortune. However, this resentment is often a reflection of one’s own insecurities. It can be easy to resent others’ accomplishments when one lacks clarity on their own goals and desires.

To overcome this, it’s important to gain clarity on what success and accomplishment mean to you personally. If your goal is to bike more often to work, for example, it would be difficult to resent someone for having a fancy car.

Another way to overcome resentment is to change your attitude towards success. Instead of viewing life as a competition, focus on collaboration. Ask successful individuals for advice and learn from them, rather than resenting them. It’s hard to hold a grudge against someone who is willing to help you.

Idea 10 – Mentally strong individuals are persistent and have a self-compassionate approach to failure.

Thomas Edison, known for inventing the light bulb, also tried his hand at other inventions such as the electric pen and the ghost machine, which were considered failures. However, Edison saw these as opportunities for learning and growth rather than a setback. This perspective on failure is not typical, as people often associate it with shame and quit at the first sign of difficulty.

To develop mental strength, it’s important to challenge limiting beliefs about success and failure. Research shows that regular practice trumps natural talent and perseverance is a greater predictor of long-term achievement than IQ. Additionally, practicing self-compassion can help during challenging times. Instead of being harsh on yourself, treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would show a friend. Remember that no one is perfect, including yourself, and adopt a realistic outlook on what’s achievable.

Idea 11 – Mentally strong individuals embrace solitude and utilise meditation to enhance their resilience.

Let’s return to Morin’s counselling office, where we are now meeting with Vanessa. She has a unique issue; despite being exhausted from her demanding work schedule, she struggles to fall asleep. Her mind won’t stop racing, constantly reflecting on her day or worrying about upcoming tasks. Vanessa is a successful real estate agent, always on the go and “on.” When Morin asked her how often she takes time to simply be alone with her thoughts, Vanessa replied, “Never, why would I?”

Many people view being alone and relaxing as low on their priority list. Some consider it unproductive, while others find it frightening. They avoid silence and solitude, filling their calendars with social events and relying on their phone or TV for background noise when they are alone.

However, mentally strong individuals recognise the value of solitude. Too much alone time can be harmful, especially if it leads to feelings of loneliness, but research indicates that solitude skills are linked to improved mental health, increased life satisfaction, and better stress management. More importantly, being alone can be a way to recharge your batteries.

So, how can you become more comfortable with solitude and your thoughts? First, make time for yourself by scheduling a date with yourself on your calendar. Inform your family and friends that you will be unavailable during that time.

Once you’ve created some alone time, find activities that you enjoy doing by yourself. This means avoiding distractions such as TV, social media, and cat videos. Instead, give yourself the space to reflect and explore your thoughts. Journaling, for example, can be an effective way to do this. Additionally, meditation and mindfulness practices can help calm your mind and bring peace.

Vanessa followed this advice and made a habit of incorporating meditation and mindfulness into her evening routine. Her racing thoughts gradually slowed, and before she knew it, she was sleeping soundly.

Idea 12 – Many individuals possess a sense of entitlement, but those who are mentally strong focus on offering rather than receiving.

Lucas, for example, was not well-liked by his coworkers. Despite being a recent college graduate and just starting his career, he acted like he knew it all and constantly tried to tell his more experienced coworkers how things should be done. He believed that he was a valuable employee who deserved a promotion to a leadership role, but instead of promoting him, Lucas’ boss told him to tone it down. His coworkers were annoyed by his bossy behaviour and felt that he was acting entitled.

However, it’s not just Lucas who has this problem. To some extent, we all have a tendency to believe that the world owes us something. The more we believe we are entitled to something, the less likely we are to actually earn it. If we think the world owes us, we demand it instead of putting in the effort to get it. Furthermore, unrealistic expectations about what we deserve can be off-putting to others, and if they sense that we are always taking and never giving, they will likely avoid us.

To overcome a sense of entitlement, it’s important to become aware of it. Often, entitlement is not overt but is instead hidden in our thought patterns. If you believe that there’s something special about you, think a rule doesn’t apply to you, or believe that life isn’t fair and you deserve better, these are all signs of an entitled attitude.

To change this, we need to adopt a more humble approach. Acknowledge that you are not perfect and have weaknesses and shortcomings, just like everyone else. Be open to receiving critical feedback and don’t dismiss others as stupid.

Lucas eventually realised the negative impact of his behaviour and made a commitment to change. He stopped assuming he knew everything and became open to learning from those around him. With this new attitude, he may even earn the promotion he was after.

Idea 13 – Strong individuals understand that success takes time and the path to it may not always be visible.

Marcy was known for her lack of patience. Whenever her children or coworkers didn’t keep up with her pace, she would express her frustration by saying, “I’m not getting any younger.” Despite reading numerous self-help books, she was disheartened when she didn’t see immediate changes in her life. She even dropped therapy after a few sessions because the results she desired didn’t present themselves quickly enough. She yearned for a quick solution to her dissatisfaction, but as strong individuals know, there’s no magic cure.

In today’s fast-paced world of instant gratification, people have grown accustomed to getting what they want as soon as possible. However, if this expectation becomes ingrained, it can cause problems in one’s life.

The reality is that change is difficult and progress isn’t always immediately apparent. The key is how you handle this fact. If you’re like Marcy and get easily discouraged, you may give up too soon and miss out on the rewards that come from perseverance. Some things, like education, career advancement, or artistic breakthroughs, require years of hard work and determination.

To embrace the long-term journey, it’s essential to have realistic expectations. Avoid expecting quick and effortless success, as this sets you up for disappointment and frustration. Additionally, be mindful of setting rigid deadlines for your goals. Having an approximate timeline is beneficial, but making it an all-or-nothing situation can have negative consequences.

Perseverance is crucial. Try to resist instant gratification, and celebrate small victories along the way. Break down your big goal into smaller, achievable milestones, and reward yourself when you reach each one. By doing so, you’ll find the motivation to continue your journey towards success.

Concluding thoughts…

To boost your mental fortitude and get the most out of life, adopt the following habits:

Avoid self-pity and embrace a positive outlook.
Maintain control of your own power, rather than surrendering it to others.
Embrace changes and adapt to new situations.
Focus on things that you have control over, and don’t fret about what you can’t change.
Stop trying to please everyone and prioritise your own needs and wants.
Take calculated risks, rather than being afraid of taking them altogether.
Let go of the past and focus on the present and future.
Learn from your mistakes and never repeat them.
Celebrate the successes of others, instead of feeling resentful.
Keep pushing forward, even after experiencing setbacks or failures.
Confront your fears of being alone and strive to overcome them.
Stay vigilant for feelings of entitlement and counteract them with gratitude.
Set realistic expectations and be patient, as progress may not be immediate.